Hurt Feelings

Yesterday was a bad day. My feelings got hurt really bad. Our department at school is in the process of making a webpage and they have pictures for each of the faculty on the faculty page. Well, the pictures they used initially were from our ID badges. Mine happens to be a horrible picture. I know it's horrible and I certainly don't need anyone else telling me how horrible it is. Mine isn't the only bad picture on there (they are pretty much mug shots that were taken for the sole purpose of our ID badges) and we were given the option of having them remade yesterday. Wel a couple of weeks ago when we were first told of having our pictures remade another faculty person saw me in the hall and this is the conversation that took place between us:

her: "have you seen your picture on the faculty web page?"

me: "yeah, I know it's horrible"

her: "yeah, me and so-and-so were sitting there looking at the pictures and so-and-so said your picture is horrible. So-and-so said I look like a barbie doll, but wee said that you definitely have to have your picture remade."

WTF? Did I somehow enter a time warp into elementary school? I'm not friends with this person, at all, and she feels like she can just come and basically blast me? I was in total shock and I pretty much didn't say a fucking word to her. I just went and did the most mature thing I could think of and tell my husband and the few oher people that I am somewhat close wtih at work what this woman just said to me. One childish act in response to another, I suppose.

Ok, so that was that. Yesterday was the day for pictures to be made. My husband is in another office than I am and he was in his cubicle when some other women were apparently looking at the faculty web page. One woman said "Amy (me) looks terrible". My husband, although I know he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, told me this later and it really fucking bothered me a lot, to the point of crying. Why do these people feel the need to comment on someone else's picture? I personally didn't go down all of the pictures on the page critiquing them, I scrolled to mine and was like I need to get my picture redone and that was that...well, no, I looked at my husband's, too, but that's different. I guess this hurt me more because it was said behind my back and because it makes me wonder if this is the only thing people see in me. I do a lot of good stuff at work. I am busting my ass with this ACS Relay for Life thing, which nobody else on the team seems to give a fuck about, and people are going to talk about how horrible my fucking ID picture is behind my back?

After I got upset (hurt) I was a little mad and I had about made my mind up to not get my picture remade, but my husband was getting his remade (I'm not sure why, but he did). Anyway, we were in my cubicle with two other instructors that I do get along with and my husband was saying how he was going to pose like Uncle Rico from Napolean Dynamite. Then I said that I was going to pose like this (and I flipped the bird in front of my face). We went and had our pictures made and I got another blow to my self esteem and now it's all over with. I haven't seen the picture yet and I don't really give a fuck what it looks like.

Anyway, thoughout all of this I of course equate my looking horrible to my being fat. This makes me want to do two things: lose more weight and eat more. I did lose 3 pounds this past week and I weighed in a day early. I woke up early this morning to exercise some before I go to work, I just haven't gotten on the elliptical yet.

Hopefully today will be a better day as far as my self esteem is concerned.