It's been a while

Damn, I didn't realize that I haven't blogged in so long.

Life has been busy. Very busy. Weightloss, well...sort of neutral. Up and down, up and down, that's all I seem to be able to accomplish.

I've been exercising regularly and I kept an excel spreadsheet of my workouts for May. I logged 19 days of exercise for the month of May, but I think there were a few days there when I forgot to log it and I can't count on my memory so I didn't put anything down.

The team I was/am advising for a knowledge bowl competition won the gold medal for the state competiton and they are going to nationals at the end of this month. It's not the same team that went to state. One team member had to be kicked off for acting like a teenage idiot (even though he's my age) and the other can't go because her baby is due right around the time we are supposed to fly. So I had to bring in the alternate (which was not an easy task) and recruit another team member. We haven't really been able to practice, which I'm not happy about, but I'm just glad they are going to nationals and even if they don't place, it's a great opportunity to go.

I'm not really looking forward for being away from home for 5 days. The only thing I am glad about is that going to the national competition will get me out of having to do late registration at the school (something I loathe).

Anyway, what prompted this blog entry was that we had a meeting about the upcoming trip to nationals and the main advisor for our school (who goes to nationals pretty much every year) talked about all the stuff to do (besides the actual competition). Stuff like swimming pools and water parks.

I love to swim. My father taught me to swim when I was like 2 or 3 and I love it. I remember in high school I had to make up a gym class and I had to swim laps. My P.E. teacher walked by and said that I looked like I could swim forever. I probably could, if given the chance. I remember when I did lose weight back in grad school, this guy that ran the fish farm aspect of the graduate program coached a swim team for little kids. I would go and swim laps and I finally got skinny enough where I wasn't embarassed (well not totally embarassed) to be in a swim suit.

Well, that didn't last long, did it? Now here I am, overweight yet again (like I have been most of my life) and I probably won't even go to this water park (something I absolutely adore doing) because I am so embarassed about being seen in a swim suit. It literally makes me sick to my stomach because the only reason that I am in this state is because of my inability to control myself. And no matter how much it makes me sick and no matter how bad it makes me feel, I still can't control my eating.

I should have been down to at least 150 pounds by now (hell, I should've never been back passed it after I got down to 135 in the first place). There is absolutely no good reason that I should weigh 190 pounds right now, but I do. What's worse is that I hate myself for it. I hate that I can't enjoy doing the things that I love because my love for food and eating is out of control. I hate that I cannot contol myself. I hate that I am weak emotionally which ends up making me weak physically.