I do not understand

Well, Merry Christmas! How do you like my Christmas cactus that bloomed again this year?

I have been extremely sick since Wednesday. I pretty much slept for 3 or 4 days. I pretty much haven't eaten shit and I've gained 5 pounds. I truly do not understand. I am so depressed right now. I was going to cook a ham and a few other things for my husband and me, but I am scared to put anything in my mouth for fear of gaining more weight. I am now only about 12 pounds from my highest weight a year ago. At one point this year I was down almost 30 pounds. I know that I have not been the best at following the program, but it is not like I have been on some whirlwind of binging. I know that the past few days I have not exercised because I have been laid up in bed barely able to move, but I have been pretty damn consistent with exercising, especially since I got the treadmill and even more so since I moved it into the living room.

I am just so sick of this and I am so sick of trying.