Here we go again

How many times have I said that? I'm going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow. I wasn't going to do it, but then I heard a co-worker say she was going and another woman in the office is going, so I figured what the hell. Maybe having a few people around that are not in the group of people that I dislike at work will motivate me to actually stick with it this time. I've done this before, gone to WW with friends and usually it ends up where they don't go anymore (actually that's what happened the very first time I went to WW and the last time I went where I actually lost all the weight). Actually, both of those times were successful (to some degree, I am going back to WW for a reason, you know).

What's up with all the parentheses?

I'm just so disgusted with myself, and with life in general. Maybe if I wasn't so disgusted with myself I wouldn't be so disgusted with life. Or maybe here I am fat again because I was still disgusted with life even after I lost all the weight before. I never thought losing weight would make life perfect, but I was happier for the 15 minutes or so I was at 135 (it was more like a year, but it felt like 15 minutes).

I just don't understand why I just cannot be happy. For the most part I'm healthy. I have a good job where I have actually succeeded pretty well. Here's a rundown on my achievments...and I'm not boasting because no matter what I have or what I have achieved I still find some fault in everything I do and in everything I am.

Got my master's degree - I feel like it was almost a waste because I'm not working in the field that I worked my ass off in to get the MS

Lost 110 pounds - still felt fat and uncomfortable and ugly

Moved here with nothing, no prospects of a job, no money...

Got present job, which pays very well - even though I enjoy what I do it's not in my field of study

Got full time position at present job (beat out several other people for it, some with much more experience than me) - I still like what I do and I am constantly told how good I am at it, but it's still not in my field of study

Got offered job in my field of study (beat out a lot of other people for that job) - had to decline job, which made me literally sick to my stomach (still does to think about it) because of familial limitations

Got married - I love my husband and really he is great, but being married has its limitations (see above). Also, I feel like I'm totally undesirable to him, which really I know I am because when I was skinny he basically said he wouldn't be attracted to me if I gained the weight back

Maybe I need to see a counselor.

Life's not so bad, really it isn't. I do have a lot to be thankful for and I know I shouldn't be complaining. That's why I don't understand why I can't be happy. There's no reason for me not to be. Really.