This time last year...

I weighed 20 pounds less than I do now. Theoretically, I could have lost 20 pounds more over the year and been right around the weight that I want to be at.

Every night I make a plan on how I will journal and how I will eat the things I am supposed to and avoid the things I'm not supposed to eat. Every night I tell myself I'm going to exercise the next day. Every day I do not follow through with what I planned the night before. It's a semiconscious process, but most of the time I just don't even think about it at all.

I loathe myself. I loathe my inability to control myself. I am disgusted I gained back more than half of the weight I worked so hard to lose.

I just want to feel good about myself again. I want to be able to go out in public and not be embarassed. I'd love to be able to go to a water park or a beach or even just a fucking swimming pool and be able to swim without worrying what other people are thinking. Just swim because I love swimming.